Thursday Thoughts

Where should I start? I have a lot of thoughts today.

1. Why is it that everytime I start a project at work and get a few weeks into it thinking that I am halfway though and making progress, the powers that be decide that they are "rethinking" their strategy? I can understand if this happened once in a while, but it has happened for the last 5 or 6 projects and frankly I am starting to get REALLY annoyed. I have even asked the questions, "This is the direction we are going in, everyone is on board, etc?" before I start a project now, but it doesn't seem to help. I need to get out of here, I can't hardly breathe today from this unorganized mess. I used to try to keep everyone else as organized as I am but it just isn't working. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...

2. I am addicted to the show Paranormal State on A&E. They are the only show I have seen that actually combines paranormal research with the social and human aspect. They enlist psychics, mediums and counselors and have helped many families deal with issues that are paranormal as well as human in nature. They seem to have found some compelling evidence for the paranormal which is really cool, but the thing that I love is that at the heart of all these investigations there is concern for the people it affects, especially psychologically. It's amazing how teaching people to take back the power in a situation can do.

One Psychic/Medium that is regularly on the show is Chip Coffey and will be in my city in May. Love him! I am going to go and see the panel he is on, which is taking place in the theater we did the "ghost hunt" and presentation in a few Halloweens. Here is the old post. The Director of PRS, Ryan, is my "paper soul mate", which means on paper we are a great match...if you believe what you read. Most importantly he has strong convictions and beliefs and is a good leader. I love the rest of the cast as well. If Elfie ever gets tired of Historical research, I would gladly take over! They all seem very real and down to earth. You should check it out, 10pm on Mondays on A&E.

3. That last thought was kinda long. So I will make this one short: I think I am gonna go home and play me some Tomb Raider.

4. I was thinking of starting a second blog. Just videos. Videos that I take on my new camera. Like road trips and silly things. What do you think?

5. Oh, Twilight. So Big Geek got the dvd, something I said I would NEVER buy. After she brought me her copy (she said she wouldn't watch it with me because I would laugh at it too much)I watched the entire two discs. I come to the same conclusions. The story was cool but they misssed the mark on many things. The DP tried too hard to get those money shots and many seemed forced and contrived. Edward was perfect. The Cullens were well cast adn should have been featured more. Jasper is AWESOME! The music was lame. The sound editing and music editing was HORRENDOUS!(It's amazing how more blindingly truthful listening to it on nice headphones is). Bella was terrible. I came to the conclusion that if everything else stayed the same, the one thing that would make me enjoy this movie the most is if they would have cast someone other than Kristen Stewart. She is terrible even laughable at times (think hospital bed argument with Edward). If this had been filmed 6-7 years ago, Rachel McAdams would have been my pick for Bella. But alas, we are stuck with the whiney, eye rolling Kristen Stewart.

Bad Juju

I have a weird feeling. I guess it's been ever since they had another layoff here a few weeks back in the middle of the quarter that I have really started to worry.

I am not worried about losing my job for my job's sake. Obviously I have been abundantly clear on this blog that I am no longer a fan of my position here. Here I have been doing my work and keeping my head down and watching and listening.

What I do worry about is my apartment lease. I cannot afford my apartment for more than 2 - 3 months without a job, 4 months depending on what sort of severence they offer (usually only one month's salary) and whatever unemployment I could get. Yes, it is good I have something put away, but I don't want to use up my savings either.

Little things have me wondering, like postponing a website rebuild and noone can tell me why, but we have to wait until April. My boss asking me to post my marketing schedule on the common drive and TAP asking me about copies of all the promos and eblasts we have done. Sort of like they are trying to get information on things, so they are aware if I am let go. Funny thing is, everything is right here on my computer and in my well organized filing system and they can paw through it all once I am gone. I have of course, already taken things for my portfolio, but other copies remain here too since I would never be like that.

Another thing is that I have heard from people that "no one is safe" and even though I already knew that, coming from certain people it holds more weight.

It's been really weird here the last few days, lots of meetings and HR keeps paging Managers from different departments which usually means one thing..."We need to cut some of your people, who can you give up?"

I guess tomorrow is Friday and we will find out who gets put out to pasture. I am sort of 50/50 if it is me since it would feel like a blessing AND a curse.

WTF? (AGAIN!)

I interupt Widget Week to vent about something that completely blows my mind.

I was part of a conversation waiting for coffee to brew that really got my blood boiling. And hell Yes, I stuck up for myself. (go me!)

A coworker (Ellen, the stick in the mud who went to Vegas with me this past January) was talking about her kids to me and another coworker who has kids and is married who was in the kitchen. She made the statement that "hopefully my girls will get married after college like normal people do".

uh-huh.

I said "Excuse me?"

Then she starts backing up verbally by saying "You know, as that was passing through my lips I realized that wasn't right."

I am thinking "as it passed through her lips she realized a "never been married" girl was standing right in front of her and she knew her stubby foot was lodged squarly in her mouth."

The exchange continued on like this:

Me: "Well, Ellen, it's not like I haven't heard that before. I am used to people saying things like that. It bothers me that so many people spew things like that."

Her: "What I meant to say was Traditional"

Me: "And what is Traditional? Tradition comes from your backgrounds and everyone has a different one, so I guess that is individualized. If you are talking about societal norms, the trend now is that people are waiting even longer to get married"

Her: Stammer, stammer stammer...

Me: "I mean people make generalizations about issues like this all the time until they KNOW someone who is normal, and unmarried, like me. Just because I didn't get married out of college doesn't mean I am not normal or that something is wrong with me."

Her: "well, I know I just shouldn't have said that...stammer, stammer, stammer"

Me: "You are right, you shouldn't have. But people make statements because they don't know what it is like...Actually Ellen, you are recently divorced and technically "on the market" again, have you had much luck finding a decent guy to date?

Her: "Well, you're right, there isn't much out there..."

Me: "Exactly! I don't have difficult criteria, I just want a guy who has teeth, has an education.."

Her: (interupting) "And that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with"

Me: "Uh no, I'm not even worrying about that right now. Heck, if I can get through 2 hours at dinner with him, that's the first step!"

With that I walked away thinking WTF?

Going Through the Motions...

As I sit here on my lunch munching on fresh brocoli, califlower, snap peas, cheese and hummus (yes, less food, more healthy options) I am thinking about where I am and where I am going. I sort of feel like I am the rat in the maze, but I never reach the end. Is this really what work is meant to be? A never ending maze of annoyances, projects, and duties? The "rat race" analogy comes to mind... something I have dreaded but have obviously begun to experience only now. I can't even seem to enjoy watching a project come to fruition because 40 other projects are knocking down my door! Most days I feel like a song from one of my favorite musicals: "Once More With Feeling": "Going through the motions, losing all my drive. I can't even see, If this is really me. And I just want to be alive"

This pattern is nothing new and is obvious to my readers, I know. Every so many months, depending on how busy I am being kept, I get this urge to explore and break away from the grind. Maybe it's because the winter is long here in upstate NY and I have "cabin fever" (tho Lamby literally has "cabin fever"! haha). I find myself thinking of how trapped I feel and that I might never get to see the places I want to visit. Is that the commitment phobe in me, or just that I haven't found my niche yet?

I HATE the fact that every job ends up being "just a job" to me. It's not that I don't try, it just never seems to parlay into something I can get excited about for too long. I envy those people who knew what they wanted and now have it. I knew, I was just too immature and never had the guidance to point me in the right direction. I guess it's too late now.

Look, I like my job and do well enough at it, but I don't feel fufilled by it. I work for a good company, and they treat me very well, I am just not sure if this is the end all be all of my life of careers. Maybe that is normal, and maybe only those lucky enough to 'know' ahead of time feel fufilled by their work.

Most people I see just come to work to pay the bills, but then again most of them are doing just that. They pay their bills. What else does it afford them? Are they truly HAPPY with that? I know I am not, and it's NOT the money I am concerned with. If I was truly passionate about my work here, it wouldn't matter.

I guess my quandry is that if you are lucky enough to do what you love you don't necessarily look for many other fufilments in your life. But if you don't (or can't) do what you are most passionate about, do you settle for 'just a job' and hope you make enough to do what you love outside of work?

Sometimes I have these thoughts of drastic measures: Selling my car and storing my stuff and traveling around in order to see things and places I have never seen or visited before. Again, the idea that I am a late bloomer is so evident. I think I should have postponed College for a year, and worked and traveled. Maybe I would have grown and gotten it our of my system.

You cannot change the past, you can only learn from it. I get that. But where do I go from here?

The "Let Me Get This Straight" Post

Let Me get this straight... Some people would rather back up employees who are not performing and "protect" them rather than confront the issue and move forward?

I think that accepting excuses from employees as to why they could not perform a task is enabling them to continue the behavior. I also think setting the stage regarding what is expected of them would help immensly.


Let Me get this straight...A certain person felt that he could ignore me over the holidays and then contact me out of the blue three months later as if we are still friends?

I think you need to grow up and act like an adult and take responsibility for your actions. I think you need to realize that what you did was MEAN and DISRESPECTFUL to me and NOONE treats me that way...EVER. I also think you need to realize that I haven't contacted you since Christmas, which means I don't care how you are. You've lost a friend who sincerely backed you in all of your endeavors, when many (including even your family) wouldn't.

Let Me get this straight...You think that you can continually dump your pet projects on me day after day and expect that I am only going to concentrate on your division?

I think you are a BLOW who needs some more busy work because you obviously have too much free time on your hands. I think that I have 3 other divisions to Market and since I have spent the last 6 months eating sleeping and breathing your division you could ease up and leave me alone to get some other stuff accomplished. I also think that if you keep pushing so hard that I will have to push back and you are NOT going to like that...


Let Me Get this Straight...Some people thought it would be a great idea to bring back Knight Rider and make an updated TV movie?

I think that Val Kilmer (tho I love him) made Kitt sound more gay than ever. I think the guy who played Michael Knight's son thinks he is cooler than he actually is. AND I also think that making a series out of this would not only be a HUGE mistake, but would taint the original series for generations to come.

Thursday Thoughts at Work

So it's Thursday.

I have been Supervising, training and pitching in in the Sample Department for the last two weeks to get some major mailings out the last two weeks. The person who does this is out sick so I have headed the force that has kept our samples and catelog mailings under control.

Today the word was put out by the higher ups that it is taking too much of my time and that I need to be freed up to do more of my regular work. Funny thing is that I was told I would be doing all of this by my Supervisor so I figured this was priority and purchasing would have to miss me for a few days a week max while I got everyone on track and oversaw etc. I also got in there and stuffed envelopes and made sample kits on top of setting a schedule and troubleshooting. Apparently I am missed and I need to be back sitting at my desk doing purchasing here and there and waiting for my boss, the president to speak to me. :) Hey, if they want me back at my desk doing the same old...fine, I am happy to blog and surf a few hours out of the day because noone has any other work for me to do. Whatever.

Whatever? You mean I am not going to rant about this?

Nope. For some reason, the past two weeks have been completely different for me. I don't know if a lightbulb has gone on inside me, but my demeanor has changed drastically. I guess you could say I have a "Do your worst!" attitude. Instead of getting all riled up about work and stressing myself out, I have realized that I am not STUCK here, There IS more to life than this and I WILL find it. I seem to just know this deep down and I have a sense of peace about it. Reminds me of that weird song from the 90's by called Loser, it says: "Im a driver, Im a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it"

There is light at the end of this tunnel, and I am on a steady course to see what lies ahead!

IN OTHER NEWS:

OOH! I FINALLY started reading ATLAS SHRUGGED. I am only about 30 pages into it, but it has hooked me already. I am VERY excited about this book and I am hoping that I like it as much as I think I will. It will take me a while, but I am game!

This weekend I am FINALLY making it to my parents house for a visit. The nasty winter weather has kept me from there the past few times so I am excited to go home for real. Friday I am attending my neice's high school play. They are doing "Beauty and The Beast" one musical I like the least, (hey, poet! but I know it!) but Erin is in it and I would go see her regardless 'cause she's my partnet in crime! The rest of the weekend will entail cross country skiing, some pool playing and teaching the folks to play dominos 'cause I am addicted!!!

Ug. The end of the day is moments away. I am heading to the library to work until 8:30 tonight and then home to do laundry and pack for the weekend. I get out early tomorrow to get a head start and do a few errands before the play so I am psyched! Hopefully I will get a chance to blog tomorrow and do something silly...I did promise Chantal some "CC Originals" when it comes to picture editing, so stay tuned!:) I haven't been wacky in awhile!