Going Through the Motions...

As I sit here on my lunch munching on fresh brocoli, califlower, snap peas, cheese and hummus (yes, less food, more healthy options) I am thinking about where I am and where I am going. I sort of feel like I am the rat in the maze, but I never reach the end. Is this really what work is meant to be? A never ending maze of annoyances, projects, and duties? The "rat race" analogy comes to mind... something I have dreaded but have obviously begun to experience only now. I can't even seem to enjoy watching a project come to fruition because 40 other projects are knocking down my door! Most days I feel like a song from one of my favorite musicals: "Once More With Feeling": "Going through the motions, losing all my drive. I can't even see, If this is really me. And I just want to be alive"

This pattern is nothing new and is obvious to my readers, I know. Every so many months, depending on how busy I am being kept, I get this urge to explore and break away from the grind. Maybe it's because the winter is long here in upstate NY and I have "cabin fever" (tho Lamby literally has "cabin fever"! haha). I find myself thinking of how trapped I feel and that I might never get to see the places I want to visit. Is that the commitment phobe in me, or just that I haven't found my niche yet?

I HATE the fact that every job ends up being "just a job" to me. It's not that I don't try, it just never seems to parlay into something I can get excited about for too long. I envy those people who knew what they wanted and now have it. I knew, I was just too immature and never had the guidance to point me in the right direction. I guess it's too late now.

Look, I like my job and do well enough at it, but I don't feel fufilled by it. I work for a good company, and they treat me very well, I am just not sure if this is the end all be all of my life of careers. Maybe that is normal, and maybe only those lucky enough to 'know' ahead of time feel fufilled by their work.

Most people I see just come to work to pay the bills, but then again most of them are doing just that. They pay their bills. What else does it afford them? Are they truly HAPPY with that? I know I am not, and it's NOT the money I am concerned with. If I was truly passionate about my work here, it wouldn't matter.

I guess my quandry is that if you are lucky enough to do what you love you don't necessarily look for many other fufilments in your life. But if you don't (or can't) do what you are most passionate about, do you settle for 'just a job' and hope you make enough to do what you love outside of work?

Sometimes I have these thoughts of drastic measures: Selling my car and storing my stuff and traveling around in order to see things and places I have never seen or visited before. Again, the idea that I am a late bloomer is so evident. I think I should have postponed College for a year, and worked and traveled. Maybe I would have grown and gotten it our of my system.

You cannot change the past, you can only learn from it. I get that. But where do I go from here?