It's the BIG One! I am Going Straight to Hell

Look, I know I had tentitive reservations in Hell, but I think this post solidifies that I have secured a permanant table. I just couldn't resist this! And don't tell me that you wouldn't have reacted the same way. Here's the play by play: starting with the message he sent me and then followed by his profile...and yes, I am going to hell because without the picture, it's just not the same, so there is a picture. My comments will be in red throughout. Highlights of his words will be in yellow.Pray for me...


"Hockey fan needs a woman who is good in the corners,crashes the net,and
isn't afraid to drop the gloves when he challenges her"
"Howdy!
Good evening, ma'am. I hope this finds you well.

Have you always lived upstate? If not, then where else?

Tell me more about your job. What do you sell?

Play any sports? Any combat sports?

Anyway, I really hope to hear back from you soon. In the meantime, take care and thanks for reading.

--- N"

Remember the cartoon with the little dog who was always like "HuhSpike? Huh? Huh? What do you wanna do Spike? huh? Spike? Huh?" That's what that message reminded me of.




What I am looking for/About my date
Firstly, she has to understand that in my business, I could move around quite a bit. I want to be the best, and that could mean several steps along the way. Furthermore, the steps may contain lifestyles different from what most people have. For example, if I'm working in radio news, then she'll have to deal with me getting up very early and not staying up so late. If I'm working for a hockey team, then she'll have to deal with me being away from home on road trips. So, she has to follow YOUR career, deal with YOUR schedule and wait at home for YOU to come back from road tips etc? Are you sure you are looking for a girlfriend?, 'cause I think a blow up doll might suit your lifestyle better..."

Secondly, she has to be Catholic. My faith is incredibly important to me. If I have a dealbreaker, then it's this. I will want nothing to do with you if won't go to church with me. Gotta say this is actually a nice change. Most guys don't want to go to church at all or want to admit they have a faith.

Thirdly, she has to like sports, especially hockey. This is because I hope it's the center of my ultimate profession. The first girlfriend I had could never get into it. She bought tickets to a game as a Christmas present to me, and she didn't say a word for the first two periods. It's okay if you don't like hockey or any sports for that matter, but if you don't, then you're going to have to tolerate them greatly. Again, it's all about tolerating YOUR schedule and YOUR likes...What did you ever do for her?

We could call this Clause 3A: She can't hate the media. As someone who works in news, I have a great responsibility to the public. I can affect many lives without even meeting them. That's why if I ever do anything in that capacity, then I have to do it right. Unfortunately, many "media professionals" out there give the industry a bad name, especially in television. I guess that's why I'm glad I'm still in radio and not in TV. WTF? You are a sports reporter! The only thing you have a responsibility to is to get the names and scores correct. It's not national security! Oh, and I think we all know why you are still in radio...

Fourthly, family is important to me. I expect her to feel the same way. But if your family has any chance of making it to Jerry Springer's stage, then I'll want nothing to do with you.

Fifthly, no abnormal body modifications. Not only do I not find it attractive, but I think it's disgusting and potentially dangerous. Is he talking piercings and tatoos or boob enhancements and botox? I get it, but those are not abnormal these days.

For fun:
There's a line in "Sister Act 2" where Whoopi Goldberg says, "If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl."

In my case, I can't think of anything except sports, especially hockey.
Referencing "Sister Act 2" out of the hundreds of amazing movies out there? Danger Will Robinson! And if you can't think of anything other than sports, maybe a girlfriend is not in your cards.

My job:
I have two jobs. One is in Albany during the week, and the other is at West Point during the weekends. However, the one at West Point has nothing to do with military service.
So, again, when do you have time for a girlfriend? And Ooh! so mysterious with the West Point job!

My ethnicity:
I am a quarter Ukrainian, a quarter Italian, a quarter German, and a quarter French-Canadian. Now I get it, you're not fat, you're just big boned!

My education:
B. A. in journalism, Ithaca College, 2003 Minor in music as an oboe player It's always funny when large people play small instruments? I know a fat guy who plays piccolo...

Favorite hot spots:
I like traveling. That's one of the perks of working in sports. You get to see parts of the country that you otherwise wouldn't see. While working in Nebraska, I got to see Lambeau Field. While working in Mississippi, I got to see the Rockies. Um, the Rocky mountains are not in Mississippi. They begin in northern Canada and end in New Mexico. I am so glad that as a "media professional" you're not giving the rest of the gang a bad name!

Favorite things:
I'll eat anything. My favorite color is black. When it rains, I wouldn't mind running out there to either play football or roll in the mud. I wear a Stetson, so it's safe to say I love country music. I also like opera and other fine arts.
See why you needed the picture to tell the whole story? PS) Black isn't always the most slimming...

My pets:
My parents have a Balinese cat. A Balinese is a long-haired Siamese. This one believes she owns the house. And she's right.
That's your parent's pet, not yours. Wait there was a pic of him with the cat too. Sounds like someone still lives at home. And he HAS two jobs!!!!


I usually don't write back, but I felt I had to in this instance...

Hi N.

Thanks for your message but I don't think we match very well. I am Catholic, but not practicing at the moment. Also, it seems like you are looking for a girl who doesn't have a career of her own. No offense, but your schedule doesn't seem to account for her schedule/aspirations.

I wish you the best in your search. Stick to your guns on the religion topic...that is important:)

CC