Identity

For the most part, my posts have been extremely lighthearted and fun. Today I am feeling like I need to just write about something that has been bothering me for a long time...be warned, some who read this post will see me for the first time. It's a bit heavy, tho needs to be put out there.

On and off for the past few years I have stepped back and taken in what my life is and has become. I always come back with the same conclusion: I am lucky to have such amazing family and friends who care about me, tho my purpose in life seems unfound. My career is nothng close to a career, it's just job after job where I may gain a few skills but usually are used for my skills in a less than challenging atmosphere.

I feel that I have let myself down in many ways, by doing what is logical and expected. To have a job just to have a job and not be unemployed seems to have been the clandestine goal of my life after college. None of my jobs have inspired me, moved me, or fufilled me. I keep trying to figure out what my niche is, but to no avail. I seem to look at others and try on their career for size, realizing that is their niche, not mine. Then I wonder, will I ever find my niche? Is that only reserved for some people, the lucky ones who "know" without a doubt what contribution to society they will make?

It concerns me that I may be letting my dreams get away from me b/c everyone thinks they are not doable or I won't make money that way. Funny, I'm making peanuts as it is, so why is that an issue?

Everyone snickers when I tell them my second major in college was Anthropology. "What can you do with that?" They would say. I have actually had interviewers mock my degree. They are surprised by my answers, and I have seen a few sheepish faces realize they knew not what they spoke of. I love learning about people, their cultures and history. This can be used in many different venues such as public relations, advertising, marketing, human resources etc. I think people get it mixed up with Archeaology, which by the way is another interest of mine.

I have other interests besides Anthro./Arch. I love to write, something I realized in college. I also love to be clever and creative, I just don't have formal training and use what I have available to me. I enjoy figuring things out and researching problems. Especially History. Math is not my friend, tho we have a working relationship and it doesn't scare me as much as it used to! I am a comedian and love to do impressions (even poor ones) and I love to listen and perfect new accents. It's my sense of humor that keeps me so happy, tho this underlying worry is constantly on my mind.

So what do I do with that information? I find it hard to find that perfect match of interests and career. Should my hobbies become my work? Is there an avenue I have not yet thought of as a possibility? These are the questions I stuggle with constantly. What do I do? Where do I go? What is my gift? What will I be when I grow up? Will time pass me by and will my life be wasted doing "the right/safe thing?"

There are two songs by Pink Floyd which I feel sums up my feelings on this subject:

Breathe
(Waters, Gilmour, Wright)

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.


Time
(Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour)

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

____________________________________________

Most people just float thru life working a job that's mediocre at best and paying their bills. I personally don't want that. I want to do something that uses my skills, allows me a comfortable lifestyle and allows me to be creative. I don't want "just a job". I want to feel that the hours I spend during the week are not wasted. Any job will have annoyances, but if you truly believe in and like what you are doing, they are trivial.

I have always had this feeling that I was destined to do something great with my life. Everyone around me has been very supportive and have given me some good things to think about but I cannot wait for it to come to me. I will still research and learn and try other avenues. I just hope it will soon make itself known thru my efforts.