Excerpts and Apathy

Apathy is a lack of feeling or emotion, of concern or interest and is a perfect description of me lately. I feel sort of numb and distanced from everything.

Excerpts from "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" by The Smiths

"I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?"

"In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?"


Perhaps I am not completely apathetic to everything around me. I still feel emotion when it comes to my family and a few close friends, but everything else is just cardboard cutouts.

I am tired and not motivated at work and at home. I feel like an empty shell of myself actually.

Exerpt from "Going Through the Motions" The Buffy Musical

"Going through the motions,
losing all my drive
I can't even see
if this is really me
and I just want to be
Alive"


I have been hitting my snooze 4-5 times each morning and reluctantly throw on something really casual for work. I used to only wear jeans on Casual Fridays but now I rarely wear any of my dress pants or skirts and usually wear cords or jeans.

I have been arriving 5-20 minutes late 2-3 times a week now for the past 3 weeks and I don't care.

I don't walk around and talk to anyone anymore. I stay at my desk, make sure my work is caught up and then play search and find games on the internet for 1-2 hours throughout the day with my MP3 player on.

Excerpt from "Still Ill" by The Smiths

"And if you must, go to work - tomorrow
Well, if I were you I really wouldn't bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And I should know, because I've seen them
But not very often ..."


So here I sit, drinking my green tea and typing on my blog, which is not giving me the satisfaction it usually does when I post.

Am I sabotaging myself conciously (or unconciously) at work? Maybe.

Why do I just want to go home and lay on the couch and not get outside in this nicer than normal weather to take a walk when I get home at night? I know it would help if I got some exercise and fresh air, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am so drained by the time I get home from work, I turn into a couch slug. I just don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I know that sounds really bad.

I usually come out of these funks within a few days. I have said this before, but they are getting worse and more frequent. I just need a change. A break from what my life has become would probably help break this pattern I am in. What I am living now is obviously not working for me, so I need to change it.