"The Tribe": A Review of a "Lost Boys" Sequel Wannabe

Where do I begin? I have been waiting to trash this movie for the last year. The wait is finally over! Let's start with a quick intro of the "plot" that you won't get from the movie: They obviously didn't want to fill in the gaps from the last 20 years or tell us any specifics!

"After their parents' (Michael and Star from the first film) death, Chris (Tad Hilgenbrink) and Nicole Emerson (Autumn Reeser) move to Luna Bay to live with their Aunt Jillian (Gabrielle Rose)."

OK. Now that you have that oh so important background, let's rip it to shreds, yea?

The Awful: Besides the bad acting and horrid plot (a little creativity would've helped WB!) there is much awful to be said.

1. Corey Feldman, dude! You are too old for this shit, and you are SUCH an overactor!! He actually USED THE EDGAR FROG VOICE people! Probably half of his lines were ver verbatim from Lost Boys 21 years ago and were overused references to a movie that I don't consider being related to this film at all.



2. Just because your name is Sutherland, does not mean you are automatically a sexy lead man! "Shane" was so not sexy as the vampire leader of the gang and his expressions/walk and voice sounded like he was a mentally challenged blood sucker! Get off that motorcycle the short bus is coming!!



3. The thin plot and unanswered questions: Where does Aunt Jillian fit in, if Nicole and her brother are the children of Michael and Star, wouldn't they know all this shit already and not fall prey to a bunch of bloodsuckers? AND wouldn't they know who Edgar Frog was??? Come on! If Uncle Sammy was a vampire, I think they would know it. What exactly happend to Allen Frog? WTF happened to Sam Emerson? What is "all the shit that happened" that is mentioned but never explained between Sam and Edgar etc? and Shane was the HEAD Vampire??? We kept hearing them talk about it, but at the end there was no twist like Max...YAWN!



4. Why was it called The Tribe? They weren't an indigenous people who were vampires! The only mention of it was a line that Shane spoke about joining "the tribe". The movie was so dumb they should have had a dumb title that at least explained it a bit like maybe "The Surfer Gang" or "The Joke"



5. OMG! One of the vamps enjoyed yelling and laughing in immitation of the Lost Boys! It was so stupid and became more and more laughable because everytime he was in a scene he did it! Apparently if I were to turn into a vampire, I would yell and laugh like that too...Wait, sometimes I do sound like that... Alright! Who spiked the wine!!!!


6. I have to say, Nicole and her brother did not have a hard choice to make. The absence of parents or loving family members acting as a moral and ethical compass, as well as living in a shithole apartment that your Aunt is gouging you for would have made the decision of "To be or not be be?" (a vampire that is) extremely easy. hmmm, let's see...Live in a cool vamp pad in an abandoned coal mine complete with leather furnishings, big flatscreen tv, game system and a four poster bed to die for, no bills to pay, party all night sleep all day AND never grow old???? Where do I sign up?

The Gratuitus: Holy ridiculous nudity and sex scenes people! It was like whenever they could they threw some bare breasted bimbos who were living out the fantasies of 40 year old men still living in their parent's basement! Oh, and the gore was laughable: intestinal spillage and arterial spray to the max, this movie definately had a fascination with blood and guts. Come to think of it, I bet the guys who wrote this WERE 40 year olds that live in their Parent's basement!!!!

The Uncalled for: The campfire scene where the guys prey on the girls with them was really unsettling...As a female this scene was hard to watch since it was so blatently played out as a metaphor for a gang "rape". This was NOT appreciated. Not that any type of violence is funny when taken into account the reality of it, but this was really disturbing to me.

The Hysterically Ridiculous: I gotta say that there were a few moments where I literally thought I would have some intestinal spillage of my own laughing so hard: Here they are:

1. The sax player on the street corner: Scene 4. Within 30 seconds, You see a dude playing a Sax on the street corner in an homage to The Lost Boys. This was unexpected and absolutely HYSTERICAL. We actually went back after the movie and watched that 5 second craziness again. I tried to find a pic, but couldn't. Here is the original gross guy from The Lost Boys: put 50-60 pounds on him, change the pants to black spandex and add 20 years...Now THAT is funny!
   



2. There were some lines that were a riot as well; "Who ordered the stake? ", "Do you smell that? It smells like death and fungus. It's Vampire BO.", "Your sister's a suck monkey. " "Pop goes the Weasel" and "I almost ATE that guy! DO you know what it's like to CRAVE blood? Oh my God! Do you know how disgusting that is???...I'm a vegetarian!"

If you want a good laugh at a movie that is as bad as we all thought it would be, wait until you can borrow it for free from your public library! if for nothing else, just to see the dude on the corner playing Sax!!!

Hey Warner Brothers! David and the boys are coming over to talk to you about your "Straight to DVD Division" and they are NOT happy!