Exploration of Self: Step 1: Realization

Prepare for deep and introspective. Let me break down my 1/3 life crisis in 3 distinct areas (Past, Experience, Internal) for readability and understanding.

ONE. I grew up in a small town, with cautious parents and conservative values. I love my prents dearly, and my entire family as well, but I feel that certain things that have been impressed on me throughout my young life have hindered me in ways not apparent until just recently. I have always longed to travel the world, and had fantastic dreams of seeing new places and meeting interesting people of different cultures and backgrounds, hence the Anthropology degree...

I feel as if I have cheated myself by doing what is expected and being "afraid" to venture out away from family on my own and follow my heart. What was expected? The day in, day out, "normal" get a job with retirement and health benefits. This being the logical and safe route life holds for responsible people. I don't begrudge my family for instilling that set of values in me, it's the American way and it is responsible. I don't want to be a deadbeat, I just want to be happy in the choices I have made for myself, because in the end noone else will look back at my life and say "CC should have done this with her life, but she didn't". Only I will be affected by what I have and have not done.

TWO. As I look around at so many of my friends (and a few family members), I see that they have had such a wealth of experiences, mostly in traveling either for work or pleasure. When I step back and look at me, I wonder how I have managed to grow as a human being at all if I have never challenged myself and tested myself in new environments, away from the cozy familiarity that is home and family. Many times it is apparent that parts of me have laid stagnant, almost as if that 21 year old girl just graduating college is still here, immature and unaware of her talents and drive. That scares me, and makes me want to take action like nothing else. I am an interesting person, and I have a lot to offer the world. Why is that doubt of self still there (in more than one aspect of my life)? I have not pushed myself out of my comfort zone enough to be enlightened to my potential as a human being. What am I waiting for????

THREE. TRUST. I always thought I was a commitment-phobe. Actually, I am not afraid of commitment, I'd love a long term relationship right about now. What I have realized is that I find it hard to trust people, which in turn makes relationships impossible. My lack of trust builds my own personal Great Wall,(you know 25 feet high and 20 feet thick) and dumb aloof things come out of my mouth, confusing the other person. I am my own worst enemy and what's worse is many times I can't even trust myself. Trust is a delicate thing. I have to learn to put myself out there in order to really see what comes back...even if it means getting hurt. Who knows, I may be pleasantly surprised by taking that chance.

Everything is a character builder...the family values my parents instilled in me as a child, traveling and meeting new and interesting people, and even just trusting in something or someone. Whether I win or lose, am happy or sad, I learn something not only about myself, but about the situation, place or person involved. Life experiences are priceless, the more the better and I am not content with my current life path because of the lack of these, especially of late.

I WANT THE FIRE BACK! The passion for SOMETHING, anything that will make me feel like I am giving it all I've got and make me excited for each day. That begins with TRUST in myself that whatever I do, it is the right thing at the time, not worrying about the past but moving forward and letting go. Realization is the first step, I am ready for whatever is next.