"How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it."

Quote from Belloq, Raiders of the Lost Ark

As I had said, I refuse to include the recent mischiva called Indy 4 as part of the Indiana Jones universe. A bad dream? (Please let it be a bad dream!) George Lucas' messy acid trip flashback? (Perhaps.) Bad Dates? DEFINITELY.

Oh how ye have failed me. Let me count the ways:

1. Sets: Cheap and fake. The real Indy movies were 20+ years older and their sets were more believable!


2. Green screen: OBVIOUS!! Sloppy. And Speilberg said the best people were working on this movie...yeah...let me guess..."TOP MEN"??? I think I've heard that bedtime story before.


3. Stealing from the Mummy: A curse be upon your family! The ants (while random and completely unrelated) reminded me of a certain dung beetle from The Mummy movies. Oh yea, and that fat bastard who was supposedly Indy's friend but was a double, no, a triple agent? Reminded me of Benny who dies at the end of The Mummy trying to load up on treasure.


4. Harrison really IS too old for this shit. Sorry Harrison. I just wasn't getting Indy from you. You were flat, and I could see in your eyes that you just weren't into it. It was sort of a "Well, I guess I HAVE to do this so people will stop bugging me about it". You had said in an interview that you would never reprise your role as Han Solo because you had "grown out of the character". I wish you had had that insight when it came time to don that fedora as Indy. You chose...poorly.


5. The Acting in general SUCKED. Harrison wasn't into it, Marion has been too busy knitting to brush up on her stale acting shops and Shia, well, you may have lost this time kid, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.


6. Aliens? WTF? If there is one MAJOR pet peeve of mine it is the belief that ancient civilizations are not able to thrive and create without help from extraterrestrial beings!!!! Are you kidding me? Yeah, humans are not able to build large structures or create amazing civilizations without the experience and guidance from ET. george Lucas and Steven Spielberg need to stop being Sci-fi obsessed little boys and give the human race credit for coming this far, without any cheat sheet from outer space. I could write a thesis on this topic. It has been a thorn in my side for EVER. Thanks for making it a root problem in Indy 4.


7. The atomic blast was uncalled for and too linked to reality. That shit really happened and having Indy survive it makes light of the gravity of that time in our history. I could go into how unlikely his survival would have been, and how ridiculous the scene was, but I think leaving it with the thought that I was literally SICK TO MY STOMACH gives you insight into how disgusted I was to see that scene.


8. Since when does Indiana Jones fold his clothes when he packs?


9. Plot development: Where was it? Let's take two seconds to explain what has been happening for the last 20 years. Let's solve an ancient riddle 5 seconds after we look at it for the first time. When they arrive at the grave site, Indy knows exactly where to go and where to look. "You call this Archaeology?


10. Character development and relationship building (with the audience as well as between characters): MIA. "Who are these Russian people and why do we care? Who is that fat bastard who claims to be Indy's friend and then double and triple crosses him and why should I (Or Indy) for that matter, care? (A side note on that BTW, Indy would NEVER have fallen for that twice... more evidence of #4 above)


11. Cate Blanchet's talents were wasted in a part that was poorly developed and poorly written.


12. The Ark finally found, but left carelessly in the middle of the warehouse, possibly damaged in a cracked open box? Good Lord. ("That's just what the Hebrews thought")


13. We all know how I love a good musical score. John Williams has written some amazing stuff in his career so obviously I was hoping for a slam dunk on this one. What did I hear? A few rehashes of Raiders and Last Crusade, and NO NEW THEME. I can't blame him really. he didn't have any thing to work with.


14. The crystal skull looked like a cheap molded plastic with plastic bags from the local grocery store shoved inside. I think they also shoved the electric static lightning ball from The Goonies inside so it could light up at times too. The actors even handled it like it was all of 6 ounces and made of cheap plastic! Thanks for taking the time to make even the smallest details look like the toys you get at the Burger Kind Drive thru!


15. What was the deal with tarzan Shia and the monkeys? I can't even say anything about that. I mean that was a MAJOR WTF?!


16. The Soda shop scene: I was half expecting McFly to come in, look at Indy and say "Your my density!" Seriously guys, ripping off the Back to the Future soda shop set? Knock it off!!!


17. Ridiculous plot inconsistancies: 1. If Indy blew the dart back at the native from the end of the dart shoot, the poision point would have been facing the wrond way and wouldn't have knocked out the native. 2. The natives laying in wait...what was that? Who are they? Are we supposed to know who they are? Are they spirits? Are they real? Did I miss an important piece of information about them earlier because I was so in shock by the crap I was watching? 3...well, I could go on but I have more to bitch about...


18. Killing all of the natives who lay in wait was uncalled for. Again, another truth that needn't be explored. Reference #7 above.


19. Indy's son is named Henry Jones JR the 3rd. His mother sent him looking for Dr. Henry Jones but he didn't realize that Indy was his father based on the name? Mutt picked his own name like Indy who prefered Indiana: the Dog's name. He chose Mutt...like someone would name a dog in the 50's... LAME


20. A space ship out of the temple?????? WTF? I knew this was coming, it was transparent to me, I just still couldn't believe it was ACTUALLY HAPPENING.


21. The Alien taking form and gazing into the screen??? OMG. Why Lucas/Spielberg? Why?

The best parts, which were few and far between, are as follows:

1. Indy stunt running and climbing along the boxes in the warehouse was classic Indy.


2. The motorcycle chase thru campus was fairly well done. Indy sliding through the car back out the toher window onto the motorcycle and the crash inthe library were an extension of the classic Indy chases mentioned above. The BEST (and only) Line to remember too: "If you want to be a good archaeologist, you have to get out of the library!"


3. The nod to Marcus and Henry Jones with pictures on the desk was appreciated. I am still torn about the Marcus Statue head falling off...I don't know how I feel about that yet.

In a 2 hour and 4 minute movie, probably 4 minutes was entertaining and the rest was a painful reminder that some things are better left to nostalgia.

Anotherwards, Don't waste your time, money and gas on traveling to a theater to see this movie. Like the opening of the Ark, "No matter what happens, DON'T LOOK AT IT!"