Meltdown
"You need to get going and start your life…we are all pulling for you."
When you read that in an email from your brother, it's obvious that your family has been talking about you. I need to "get going and start my life"? Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks asshole, I will make note of that.
Yes, I have been unemployed for 10 months and I am embarrassed beyond measure about it.
Yes, I have been extremely confused about my career path.
Yes, I have had bouts of depression about my situation and my indecision.
I almost feel like an intervention is on it's way, like I am the bad seed that everyone is worried about because everyone else is successful and has their place in the world and I am the slacker. That makes me feel tons better.
Truth be told, my last job ruined me. Even though it was a Manager title, my self-worth and self-esteem as a productive member of the company was squashed. I became more and more unsure of myself and my position the last 8 months I was there, thanks to certain people including my supervisor. I had tried to look for another job then, but when you don't believe in yourself, it's not very productive.
Then I was laid off. I had just bought a car, I had 6 months left on my apartment lease and I was lost. The past 10 months have been a drain on my mental health and well being, because let's face it, even though I hated my job, I wanted to leave on my own terms. I never wanted to be laid off.
I could probably use a counselor because I am pretty off my rocker the past week...especially today. Part of me wants to get back out there and get my life back, but part of me wants to run away and hide in a cave and never come out again. I surely am sick of being the charity case and living with my sister, then my parents and now my brother. It's so hard to be self-sufficient and living on your own for years and then having to rely on others. I am starting to feel like the house guest that won't leave.
So I am in Cali, My Nanny duties are finished and I can now focus on a proper job hunt but my resolve is failing me. I hope today is just a bad day and that the triggers that set me off will mean nothing tomorrow.
posted by C.C. @ 1:29 AM
3 Comments:
*hugs* Everyone loses their way sometimes. I can understand how you feel -- my job is fine, but my personal life totally fell apart last year, and I got the same kinds of comments. Just know you are not alone and there are tons of people who care about you if you need an ear!
Carol - I can understand how you are feeling. When I was 31 (15 years ago) I got divorced, had 2 young kids, and had not worked outside of my home for almost 10 years. I will never forget my mother saying "nobody else will ever want you because you have 2 kids, and you will never find a good job". Those words are burned into my mind forever. I now make almost $90,000 a year, and I am in a relationship w/ someone who means the world to me. My daughter graduated from college w/ high honors, has a good job and is working on her masters degree. My son is graduating from highs school and starting college in the fall - I raised them both without the help of their Dad. Sometimes your own family can be the absolute worst at taking away your self esteem. Stay strong. You have a lot more going for you then then I did at your age, and sometimes just proving to your family that you can be successful and happy is all the motivation you need. I think the world of you, and I know you are going to be just fine.
We all have our low moments, you are not alone!! And do not be afraid to go for counseling because sometimes it is best to talk to someone who does not know you or your family and can give you unbiased advice.
You will be back in the workforce eventually. You are luckier than most, you had money saved and you were not in debt. You are not tied down by anything.
You can be the 'guest that won't leave' at our house anytime!
We love you Carol!! :)
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